Why can't I concentrate write something I can why am I bothering why am I ugly, my confidence has grown over time but I am still finding it a pain to write anything I don't want to give up now but I am so tingly nowdays I want to be pretty I can't stand being ugly why am I ugly what's the point of living if you are ugly your life will be ugly you have gulag stamped on your face ugly is something that you can't change ever and ever and ever not like you can do anything about it, everything I tried its not working out everything is imploding I can't be bothered to live anymore why am i scared to die if I have nothing to live for? I have everything to die for, literally wish metaphorically but it won't happen because I am not awesome like them wish I was want to make friends but I have nothing in common with them can I take up hobbies I would like to take up hobbies that makes me look okay I don't want to go surfing or whatever cause that would be like ewww I can't stand that will not stand it oh come on now Like i said before my greatest fear is living and look it might just happen fuck.,

What's the point of living if you're ugly- to serve pretty people.

Anything else, nope. It will be the lawr?

shit, if i want to do get out better work hard,

untilted

I have no titile. I am princess william. I dunno. Why not because it is so hard to do it do what you say. I am not sure. Can you tell me> I dunno. Thinking thinking thinking coca coca coca cola i can feel it running down my throat blah i forgot what do you want to write about. i want to write about how i met this guy who seemed normal his handshake was like woah i know i dont think he is he is half asian but yeah nothing nothing he wears pointy boots im not saying anything but he is so good at speaking but it seems like i am not very good i embarassed myself once again i dont care failure is good if you tried because thats how its going to be too hard to win all the time lose lots but win some more than if you win nothing i guess because im thiniing i am so unopen but most of all i am butt ugly should stick to asian international students really why was i born this way i want run into a train straight into the steel i want to feel my poetry is shit nuff said but what about him and yeah its unfair because i have no future. THIS GENERATION HAS NO FUTURE powerful stuff high on powerade high on oooohnglish i dunno forget it i cant what do you want to say i want to say that my counsellor sucks he doesn't listen he thinks im some stupid b grade fan fiction emo book its annoying he is a like kate richards only without all the evil parts i guess i should stop lying and hyding but ive got so much too hide ill never say ill never say never ever never ever. Quiet things that no one ever knows the guys voice is painful but the nessage is likel il like it so there i find this om g stop it why am i so ungood wish i c ould be better i wish i had a future i feel illegtemete why am i doing this its only for pretty people pretty white people wish i was pretty white than i my life would have meaning and it would matter because i am flat ugly asian small penis faggot my life has no meaning i have no future its sad but true lets see what martin has to say because i hate myself but someone have to clean toilets drive cabs collect trolleys... a dlooktocracy is the best idea ever only good looking people are succesful by law and its fair because its biologically proven that we should relegate ugly people like me to toilet cleaner or no to liek salt miner good looking people are everhythging and anythigna t the same time it is fair because that is nature and we should accept this because everything is nurutre minus looks alokks are forever permanent without gods help are you klistening because this is the one thing that really matters don't fuck me up.

26/1/11

Today is Australia Day. There was no Australia day at our house. We ate Kimchi and rice. I slept for hours on end. I went to the gym only to fail, miserably. I went for a swim, that felt good. I need to take English classes, because obviously my English is not good enough for you. I played Golden Sun 2. I am going to write my resume, and send it to ALDI and SumoSalad. Fingers crossed.

OMFG I failed. Can't fucking believe it. Advanced science, who would of fucking thought that I would stoop so low. Well, better get used to it, friend- unless advanced science (V) isn't low enough for ya. A limbo comp, who can stoop the lowest. OH shit really, i was really in for it, god never woulda thought advanced science? Last year was crap but I should of got macquarie law, at the very least. At the very least, I should of been considered for med, but my atar couldn't keep high enough. What I am in shock seriously, like I haven't done badly in these circumstances, but i have standards uh, those very laid back standards have been breached. Although i would truly prefer to do some shit arts degree and do postgrad whatever? Whatever, whatever, i would like to say but GOD, this is not good, im hysterical, squirell soup. Seriously science wtf, but what am i doing med? i don't know all of this is irrelevant anyway. Going to sleep soon. Hopefully i won't wake up in the same bed, not in the same fucking bed.

Fuck. Let's not talk about it. I refuse to talk about that. Lets talk about my forehand. Hows that going. My flat forehand is fine. But i'm not satisfied with that. I must master the topspin forehand. The Nadull forehand. Forehand. Not satisfied. Tennis, practice. Practice. Deliberate practice. No skill, what skill!. Talent what's that. What am i good at anyway. I will practice, but to perfection. Need to practice to perfection. Asians are masochists. Mindless study is masochistic. Mindless advice is sadism at its shiftiest. Rice is painful to eat. Asians live bland lives, because it makes them feel satisfied. Satisfied that they are failing, so they can be masochistic. Masochism. OMG. Cursed race, fuck. I am so pissed right now, not funny. Not funny. Head is a fog, heart is a rock. Love tennis, love swimming. Torpedo is not not. Shoulders knees toes. Shoulders and knock your head back. I hope they don't find this blog ever, because its embarassing. Really like i would, lets not dwendel on stuff. Let's talk about Hold it against me. Shit song, embarassing how far the pop princess has fallen. Disgusting, mindless trash. B grade, god i reckon i can write a better song than that mug Dr Luke. Taking pop music seriously! HAH. well it sucks. ANd it sucks, and its going to debut number one. Seriously fans should move on. Britney doesn't care.

New blog. Well i realised that i should stop second guessing myself. Like i did just now. And continue to do so/ Oh dear my grammar has been mudered. Tom Ballard is a fail comedian, lacks the imagination has one of a hell... he's only as imaginative as me. He is observative ill give him that lacks fun, imagaination and blah. Its sad because he tries so hard. Alex Dyson if he put is mind to it could floor Tom Ballard who frequently belittles the guy, treats him like a dumb seal. Tom Ballard is a conservative gay, an Abott Fangirl, totally ashamed of his sexuality. Another reason why he wouldn't make a good stand up comic, is that he refuses to bare all. Yeah i know that everybody is different shouldn't paint gays with the same brush whatever, but he just comes off insecure in a very predictable conservative way which is a shame because he's an excellent public speaker, is intellegent, a geniunly nice guy but he's not cut out for standup comedy or radio. He should of just gone to uni and studied llb like abottt and yeah. TOm ballard is clearly out of his depth. And look at me hypocrite, i am really the one thats out of my depth. but so is tom but he will get better he just has to open up a bit you know to himself and to the rest of us, because comedy is not about lies its about honesty arrgh barf alert. Oh i am so predictable my grammar has been mudered indeed i shall wrap this up quickly. Tom ballard fail comedian, radio host, gun lawyer, doctor. etc...

my writing has got better, i swear. this post does not do justice to my abilities i swear i can write better now i don't second guess myself anymore. i am more true to myself than ever. and im writing this post to prove it to myself and myself. my writing has improved. i am a good writer, i swear i just need to practice to shake off the rust, i swear i am gleaming inside, i swear i am made of hard stuff, just need to look beyond my cliched storylines, incomprehensible syntax, and poor word choice. i am asian but i am also creative i hope so, i am not a bob li even though i try to be. Bob li is an awesome person. the asian superman, or supermonkey. wish i could be as half as delusional as bob li, bob li is awesome because he has enough self eesteem to fill a pool, and has no understanding of reality as we see it. once bob li decides he is good enough he will shamelessly attempt at it, even though it may seem embaressing on the outside. bob li is embaressement teflon. he will get far in life, because he is shameless. wish i could be as shameless as bob li. socially inept as bob li, although here's not a social butterfly, but at least i am aware that i am aware i think so giving myself too much credit,. I am on a roll, a muffin roll, a tumbleturn, a nose burn. an apple seed. imagery is cheap, insight is cheaper. imagination is deep. wish i was imaginitive than i could be a writer and write books for a living. wish i was an artist, but NO. i wish i was an islander boy who plays footy because they have the best lives, five hundred k for ninety minutes of "work" a week. man, wish i was talented. wish i was a savant. wish i had aspergers only the good bits. wish i could construct correct sentences. wish i never met abisht gupta, wish sravan was my friend. wish i went to shroe. wish i was white. wish i could act. wish i could i could i ould. i ould to write but scared and lazy.

i am scared that i will write badly, than it will all end badly. its almost guaranteed.

Morning pages, writing really quickly helps you to capture everythought that rages through your head. If i second guess i will end up like that guy who gets his grammar wrong all the time. Grammar is a natural thing, baby mess with nature face the consequences. How is that suzie can speak grammatically in korean but not in English. her syntax is jumbly. I personally blame myself, i should of been a shining example but insited talking to her in pigeon konglish, because it felt self conscious to do so. I'm sure she will learn grammar the natural way as she grows olders but i can't help but feeling that i've like totally wasted her potential and now shes going to do 2 unit english when she turns seventeen and its a crying shame because three unit english is so much more interesting prestigious; i'd say i write better than dang at least. he's godawful. Used to think that i was worse but realised that i was just unpracticed and stressed and anxious and that fucks up your language harder than what dennis fergoson does to little girls. Now what kind of story shall i write. i want to write something thats empathetic, want to demonstrate my latent hyperempathy, wish i was synaesthesic, both empathetic and visual. aspies are awesome, evolution at its work. Now if everyone in the world had mirror touch synaesthesia, the world would be perfect, if we can genetically engineer humans with ultrasynaesthesia yeah, it will be perfect.